It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
