i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
jump out the window naked night went bad
that is very illegal...i love you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
