eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
