Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you didnt know i had herpes?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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