i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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