Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize