just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He passed out mid-signature
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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