You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
