New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
