people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
