Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
