No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
