after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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