Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
