Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
