The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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