Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
