Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
