I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
