I met the friendliest cop last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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