Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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