I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
