I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
