I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
