tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
