the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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