Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
