Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
