You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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