we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
