i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
