You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
