i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
