is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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