My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
