If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
