I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
