So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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