if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
