Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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