he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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