i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
