my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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