I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize