We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
