Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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