mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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