Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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