I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I need moral support for this bender
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
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