i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
