it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
