trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
