Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
