I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
