Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
