I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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