I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
