1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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