I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
