i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
