I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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