I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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