So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
