I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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