no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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