You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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