we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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