the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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