I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
