Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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