You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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