I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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