This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
