don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
