but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
