someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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