LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
