I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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