11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
