the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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